“I am having lunch at Zevenwacht Wine Estate…just me, my thoughts, a caeser salad and a glass of Rosé. The weather is perfect. Warm with a slight breeze. I need an iPad. No – correction…I don’t ‘need’ one…but would ‘like’ one . For now, my note pad will have to do. It’s so weird, sometimes I forget how to write manually. I’m always typing on my ancient laptop, cellphone or office computer. And yet, I find the inspiration seems to flow better when I put pen to actual paper.
So the reason for coming out here is because I can. My time is my own. No kids, no spouse. I like it that way…for now at least.
Two years ago, in the midst of a very sudden breakdown of my marriage, and impending divorce that followed at the age of 30 – I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be okay again.
When I say ‘okay’, I mean able to enjoy the simple things in life. Food, laughter, sleep. I once told my mom, “I don’t find joy in anything anymore”. That was a dark moment for me. I didn’t know who I was. Or where I was going. There were days when I just didn’t see the point of getting out of bed. I never believed when people told me, “You’ll be fine. Time heals all wounds”. It is true though. Unfortunately intense heartache, a sense of failure and depression are emotions you have to go through. After all of that…there will come a time when you disover who you really are, and become able to examine the reasons behind the event.
It’s exciting to realize that there is a huge big world out there, just waiting for you to leave your mark on it.
3 major positives came out of my divorce:
1. I learned to drive
2. I lost 20 kgs
3. I now smile on photos
And you know what…I wouldn’t change a thing. Because what I have learned about myself is invaluable. I wouldn’t trade it or go back. Not even for the happy ending with two kids and a white picket fence. People come up to me and ask ‘How did you lose so much weight??’ My response is simple…”I got divorced!”. The look on their faces is that of shock and pity. It’s okay, I can laugh about it now!
If you can reach a point where you no longer feel as though you need a partner for validation…then you’re halfway there. I saw a therapist, and she is amazing. However, when she told me to ‘find myself and learn how to be happy and comfortable in my own skin’…I thought she was gone with the fairies. Totally not on the same page as me. This was because I wasn’t ready. I had to discover all of this in my own time.
I wish I had known then what I know now – before getting married at the age of 26. I would probably have been much better equipped to deal with the reality of being a fully-fledged adult and with life itself. Make no mistake…I am grateful for the experience, and the fact that I was able to reclaim a part of myself that could possibly have been hidden for the rest of my life.
It’s taken a lot for me to finally write this post. But if my story can give just one person a glimmer of hope…then my tears were not cried in vain”.
On the way…
The estate’s Labrador
View from my table
So relaxed…I left feeling like this… xx